Mad as a Hatter

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Well…that would be everyday in the life of me! A recent time where anger showed it’s ridiculously horrible self was when my career was falling apart. 

Drunk.

Dependant.

Royal fuck up.

Hearing these terms being used as a source if labeling sent me into a rage… 

How can those who don’t know me, my past, my story possibly judge me? Who are you to tell me who I am or the reasons behind the things I do? 

The fact of the matter is… you can’t. I know me better than anyone. I know who I am and what I stand for. I am who I am and I’m proud of that! 

 

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Writing…The calming Factor

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“Everyone looks, silent thoughts behind judging faces. Whispers sound from the people who forget their places. I walk, determined to keep my head held high. My neck breaks, the pressure too great to deny. My head is down, the ground a better sight to see. Better than all these faces. The faces that keep watching me. One step at a time, letting the tears fall. Towards a greater future, the gift that makes it worth all” 

I wrote this today when i was supposed to be working on my book. I was at a stand still, the words flowing towards another goal. For me writing is my therapy just like CrossFit has become a therapy for me as well. But the book im working on just wont just off the page anymore. i feel like the words i am writing sound…well…lame.

With that being said, writing what i wrote above gave me more of a sense of accomplishment than working on my book. 

It’s because its true raw emotion spilling over and onto a page. Its how i feel right this second and its not going to change. God is helping me to get there but it is one small step at a time.

And it hurts.

It hurts to see others judging me because of the mistakes I’ve made.

But, something i will never forget as long as i live, you cant please everyone. And i am done trying. The only person i need to work on pleasing is God and his holy name.

Now i am not the most religious of people, i did not attend church regularly and i didn’t think i had a strong faith. But, as my Chaplin put it, “God loves us all. People often wonder why he does the things that he does but it’s not to hurt. It’s not to spite. It is to show us that we have strayed off the path and he wants us back.” 

i am finally on the path. 

Time to start walking

Megan: The who, what, where, and why.

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Who am I? This is a very popular question that everyone asks at some point or another on this long journey we like to call “Life”.  What you are about to read is my own personal rendition of who I am as I know it. People are entitled to their opinions, you wouldn’t be human otherwise, and I respect those people fully for using that right freely. Be that as it may, this is me as i see myself. This is who I am.

Outgoing. Spontaneous. Vivacious. Hyper. Talkative…. these are just a few of the words I would use to describe myself. I’m a people person at the root of it all. I LOVE people. Talking to people. Listening to people. Being surrounded by people. That is just how I am. These simple facts are the reason I know I have fallen far. 

I just want to be alone. 

I don’t want to talk to anyone.

i don’t want to listen to anyone.

I don’t want to be surrounded by anyone.

Red Flag.

I know I have fallen far. This isn’t a time for sympathy or pity, a time to say “poor Megan.” This is a time for me to put it all out there and for you to get an idea of who I am and why I have/do the things that I do. 

My life was not simple, though life rarely is. I know that I am only a blade of grass in the field that is LIFE. But my past is there. It directly affects my future. It redirects my faith and causes all manner of thoughts to run rampant in my mind. No, my life was not simple. It was hard. 

Growing up with a Dad that had anger problems, a Mom that did all she could to help the child that inherited said problems, was hard. I’m angry. I am a very very angry person. Who knows? If my Dad hadn’t beat me for reasons that was beyond my control, maybe I would be different. If my Step Mom didn’t have a personal vendetta against a defenseless child, maybe I wouldn’t be the way I am now. The thing is this…

You can’t change the past…trust me… I have tried. Its there, forever etched in your mind. It is the great manipulator of a future still unknown. Your past directly affects your future. We can only decide HOW. Do you let the past take control of everything? Do you hand over the reigns of your life and let it be? Do you sit back and watch as you crumble beneath the weight?

HELL NO! 

You use your past to help build a stronger future. The past is a stepping stone to the greater good. It all comes down to how WE, as people, handle that burden. You learn from it and you move on. 

That is all you can do.

It took me 21 years to realize that. I am not even CLOSE to where I need to be, where I WANT to be.

The journey has begun, and we’ve only just scratched the surface.

Let Go, Accept, Move On

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Sonia's Palate

Once upon a time,
There were two hotels:
the Waldorf and the Astoria
from the family of Astor
A premiere hotel 
Was born from the two:
the first to offer room service-- 
a historic place 
where several historical figures stayed
most significant of those--
Ms. Monroe, herself!
One afternoon,late Summer 
an idea was born
a celebration declared:
NYC, Broadway, the Waldorf Astoria

Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Broadway, the Waldorf Astoria
we yelped.

Tickets were bought,
Rooms were booked,
we waited.

Two months had passed,
but the time had arrived,
we were to check,
check into the hotel.

We entered with glee,
skipping up the staircase
like Americans in Europe, 
we walked in gawking
the walls, 
the ceilings
memorizing it all--
a historical moment.

Just then we entered,
A small, small room--
Old and expensive
Two beds;
carpet 
from a time 
long, long ago

This is it? I thought Where's the magic…

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Creating Ourselves: Identity

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Identity is everything. be who you are

Cats and Chocolate

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Identity is fascinating. If we didn’t find it fascinating, there would be no interviews, no memoir, no ‘I’, as such. To identify each other, we talk about interests, beliefs, our dreams, our likes and dislikes, our passions. We talk about where we think we belong, what our past has been, what our present is, and where we think we’re going. Or we are ‘rebels’ in some sense of the word – setting ourselves apart from the culture we grew up in, or apart from the culture that people attribute to us.

It fascinates me because I’ve noticed that my identity has shifted, along with how I define myself at any one time. I used to define myself by what I consumed: my favourite TV series, my taste in music, what I wore.

Nowadays identity is something I consider deeper, rooted in a sense of my experiences and how I’ve responded…

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Simply…me.

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Standing on the outside looking in, we find it easy if not natural to speculate as to what EXACTLY makes a person the way they are. Being on the inside looking out, though, is a whole new feeling. Reading the judgement upon a person’s face and knowing that they are piecing together pieces of a story yet to be written, re-writing the story that already has, is a hard pill to swallow. In the end, how people feel about me is the least of my worries.

My journey begins within my self.

Step one is being comfortable….being me.